Matt's Journey to Running... Part 2
In the last newsletter I promised more of an explanation for why our work with running matters so much to me right now. I said it was a community in which I never felt a place. And for that matter a group that I have probably resented from time to time if I’m being honest. That is because I wasn’t one of them. I never thought I could be. This year, at 42 years old, I made it a goal to become a confident runner. So when I heard that member of our group say her goal was simply to keep running every weekend, I felt it so much because my goal is just to get to where she is. Funny how that works.
It was almost 20 years ago when I tore the labrum in my right hip. I had excruciating pain with every step I took for over a year and a half before it was diagnosed. Every step was a conscious effort and I was physically and mentally exhausted all the time trying to maneuver around the pain and find any way possible to get through the day. This was also during a time when I first started working as a personal trainer in NYC and I had to be on foot all day moving around the city between clients. Never mind as a trainer I spent 8-10 hours a day demonstrating exercises for other people. I struggled to project any sort of confidence that I had a right to show anyone else how to exercise while constantly battling the demons of inadequacy and Imposter Syndrome.
The first doctor I saw moved my leg around a few different ways and then said “well you look strong and you’re too young to really have anything wrong” and couldn’t offer any other help besides a shot if I wanted or to just do some PT. Looking back he meant well I’m sure. He may have been trying to assuage my concern and downplay the possibility of something more serious even. However, it did the opposite. It was about the most dismissive and invalidating thing this chronic overthinker could’ve heard. Essentially I heard there wasn't anything wrong with me and since I was young and looked fit I shouldn’t have pain. And so I internalized everything and tried to figure it out in my head. After all, I was a personal trainer. I should be able to figure it out.
At this point in my life running never even crossed my mind. I couldn’t bear weight much less walk without pain, so running was certainly out of the equation. It was the beginning of me forming a belief that I just wasn’t able to do certain things. Maybe I was just supposed to help others but not actually achieve anything myself. I hid behind that identity and suppressed a lot of desire to accomplish more because it was easier. If I never wanted something anyway it made it easier than having to feel the emotions that go along with aspiring to more but having that be taken away.
I had no way of knowing then that the hip injury would be just the tip of the iceberg. For most of the next 15 years I navigated chronic back pain, a torn shoulder labrum, two meniscus tears, plantar fasciitis, and a couple partial Achilles tears to name a few. Quite the resume, huh?
Over the years I tried running several times but with little success. I hated it. It was too hard and I honestly couldn’t deal with the disappointment. I never fully removed the possibility in my mind though. I continued to refine my craft as a personal trainer, poured over everything I could learn about the human body and applied what I found. I worked constantly on myself, on healing and never took no for an answer. I was relentless in pursuing information and little by little improved my body, my strength and ultimately my confidence that there might be more for me too.
Looking back to where I started my career, I am eternally grateful for the journey. It lead me to discovering a very unique gifting and ignited a passion that ultimately brought me to where I am now and the mission we have at Movement Redefined. There are answers! You don’t have to be in pain or limited or told you should or shouldn’t feel what you do. You can do far more than you think and there are people who understand and have been there and want to come alongside you.
So going back to my goal this year of becoming a runner. It’s not because I love it, most of the time I hate it. It’s not fun and it’s a mental battle for me every step. But I have experienced the incredible blessing of once not being able to. Of having something taken away before it can even be my choice. But that wasn't the end of the story for me. I am running because I can. And because I don’t ever want to feel the feeling that I can’t.
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Matt
Thank You to Our Amazing Love Run Team
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